Family By Choice

Presentation

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Overview

Synopsis

Kim San Ha, Yoon Joo Won and Kang Hae Joon were best friends when they were young to the point that they considered each other as family. After 10 years of being apart, they finally reunite and their story unfolds.

My Opinion (No Spoiler)

What a wonderful gem! I didn’t watch the original C-Drama, so I can’t compare. But what I can say is that this version transpires warmth, love and good vibes. I enjoyed it so much. First of all, I love how the entire plot focuses on family and what it is that makes people a real family (and spoiler, it’s not blood). The relationships are complex, the wounds and scars that parents leave are deeply present in our main trio’s lives, yet they carry on because they have each other. I really wished I was their sibling. Their synergy and dynamics are so heartwarming. As for the two fathers, they are absolutely fantastic, each in their own way. The mothers are kind of the ‘villains’, and I really liked that for once that’s the case. Usually, fathers are the bad guys and mothers take care of the children. So, this was quite refreshing and new. The split between the two timelines was also well-done. The past didn’t take too long to unravel. We had just enough episodes to give away the context and explain characters’ feelings when they reunite 10 years later. The romances flow so naturally, my favorite being between Hae Joon and Dal. All in all, it’s a comforting, cozy show with only good vibes, love and positivity. Despite everything characters go through, they overcome together by simply being there for each other. I really recommend you watch this drama, you will want to hug your family afterwards!

Analysis

• Family ties, the origins
  Kim San Ha, the trauma of grief and resentment
  Yoon Joo Won, the motherless child
  Kang Hae Joon, the fear of abandonment
• The separation
  Kwong Jung Hee, the return of the blaming mother
  Kim Dae Wook, the quiet father
  Yang Dong Gu, the greedy father
  Yoon Jung Jae, warmth embodied
• The reunion
  Overcoming the scars
  ‘False siblings’ turned lovers
  Kang Seo Hyun, out of sight but not out of heart
  On Dal, asserting oneself
• Themes tackled
  The mothers, the ‘unlucky‘ villains
  The fathers, unconditional love and support
  What makes a family?
• The ending
  

Family ties, the origins: Family By Choice is an excellent drama that explores family ties using a variety of familial configurations and dynamics. In the story, the main trio – and their 2 fathers – create a bond very early on. It starts during the kids’ childhood and grows tight until 2014, when they go their own way and enter adulthood.

Kim San Ha, the trauma of grief and resentment: Kim San Ha (Hwang In Yeop) has a tough family history. As a kid, he was left alone with his little sister at home because their parents were working. His father is a cop – and frankly we don’t really know what their mother was doing at the time of the accident. That being said, he was entrusted with his little sister. The kids became hungry, so San Ha fed his sister a nut. She unfortunately choked on it and died before San Ha’s eyes. This traumatic event is the beginning of a long series of scars for San Ha. It is a wound that will take more than 20 years to heal. After the death of their daughter, San Ha’s parents had different reactions. His father Kim Dae Wook (Choi Moo Sung) stayed silent and accepted it though he indirectly blamed his wife for not being at home with the children while he was working. As for San Ha’s mother, Kwon Jung Hee (Kim Hye Eun), she felt so guilty that she just denied her responsibility in the tragedy. Instead, she found an easy culprit and accused her son of being the root of her unluckiness. She considered the innocent child as the bringer of misfortune, resented him and even thought he had killed his sister at some point. Though the family moved to Haedong to try to move on, the mother consistently blamed it on her son. So, she decided to get a divorce, abandoned her son and disappeared for 10 years. Following this tragedy, Kim San Ha developed a habit of suppressing his emotions. He witnessed his mother’s pain and felt somewhat responsible for it. As he didn’t want to add to her burden, he shut himself from the world and stopped sharing his feelings. Even later on, he’s always trying to bear the burden on his own and solve issues by himself. His sister’s death and mother’s misbehavior made him grow up too fast. He lost his innocence and bore these scars of abandonment and rejection with him. As a teenager, he turns into the most rational and pragmatic one of the trio. He’s the adult of the group who’s always taking care of his siblings. To compensate his inner turmoil, he pretends everything is alright by being a top and popular student. Kim San Ha also hides his feelings behind a cold façade and rarely lets anyone in. The only people who can reach him are his siblings and fathers.

Yoon Joo Won, the motherless child: Yoon Joo Won (Jung Chae Won) is the one who suffered the least in the trio when it comes to parents. She’s the less scarred but this doesn’t mean that she hasn’t been through a lot as a kid. Indeed, her mother died in childbirth. Joo Won’s father, Yoon Jung Jae (Choi Won Young) was thus left alone to raise his newborn. Nevertheless, he made Joo Won a priority and dedicated his life to his daughter. Despite grief and sadness, he became an excellent father, occupying the role of both parents to compensate the absence of Joo Won’s mother in his daughter’s life. Despite his efforts, Yoon Joo Won still suffered from her status as a motherless child. She felt early on that her family was unlike others, when she saw other kids at school with their loving mothers. Worse, she even heard people whisper about her family situation and criticizing the fact that her parent was a single father. Even if she was just a kid at that time, she was fully capable of understanding. Nonetheless, she never showed her pain and always pretended she was ok with everything, no matter what came her way. She buried her scar of not having a mother deep down in her heart and moved on with her life. When San Ha appeared, she developed a certain affection for him. She was feeling lonely – in spite of her father’s love – and wanted a sibling; not a mother who would replace the one she’s never known, but another person to fill her days with laughter. In general, Joo Won has a very bubbly, optimistic and cheerful personality. Though she may give the impression that she’s immature at first, she’s actually much wiser than she looks. When push comes to shove and matters get serious for her, her friends or siblings, she always has good advice to give. She’s supportive and encourages others in their endeavors. When she discovers that both her brothers are about to leave her, she’s hurt. There’s one thing that Joo Won fears the most and that’s loneliness. She’s scared she would go back to the life she had before when it was just her and her father. It was not a bad life, but she needs the warmth and comfort of her trusted people to feel fully herself.

Kang Hae Joon, the fear of abandonment: Kang Hae Joon (Bae Hyun Sung) would probably come second in terms of childhood scars (right after San Ha). He was first abandoned by his father when he was not even born, then his mother, Kang Seo Hyun (Baek Eun Hye) entrusted him to her sister supposedly to earn money. Unfortunately, she never came back. Without a single explanation, Hae Joon’s mother just never showed her face again. This imprinted an indelible trauma in the little boy’s heart. Kang Hae Joon loved his mother and it’s clear that the love was mutual. Right from the beginning, you can feel that his mother cares a lot about him and that’s why it seems even stranger that she would abandon him for years. Despite all that, Hae Joon is hopeful that his mother will return, so he eagerly waits for her. He’s convinced that she’s not abandoned him like everyone suggests it, but deep down he’s tremendously afraid that it might be the case. Shortly after having moved in with his aunt, Joo Won’s father visits him. There, he discovers that his aunt doesn’t really take care of him. She’s studying for the civil servant exam and doesn’t have the means to afford raising a child. She’s desperate and on the verge of collapse. So, Joo Won’s father offers her a deal: he will take care of Hae Joon and provide for him. This decision is a life-changer for the child. Thanks to his now father’s benevolence, Hae Joon enters a household full of warmth and love. He receives affection and attention. Just like San Ha and Joo Won, he’s considered a child of this atypical family. However, this doesn’t change the fact that Hae Joon feels like he’s a supplementary item that no one wants – he was abandoned by his father, then his mother, then his aunt gave him away. He’s the only one who doesn’t share blood with either of the fathers who constitute the lovely family. Indeed, Joo Won is Jung Jae’s daughter, and San Ha is Dae Wook’s. Kang Hae Joon is the only one who truly doesn’t fit in. He could leave anytime, this wouldn’t change a thing. On top of that, Hae Joon has the conviction that he has a debt towards Joo Won’s father that he needs to reimburse. Like I mentioned, he doesn’t have any legal or biological connection to Jung Jae. So, why would a stranger take care of him without expecting anything in return? That’s where Hae Joon is wrong. His young age and immaturity blind him from the truth: Yoon Jung Jae has considered him his son since the first time he laid his eyes on this kid. He’s developed an affection and would never expect anything from him. He raised, clothed and bathed him, just like he would have done with Joo Won. That’s the unconditional love of a parent. It takes almost a decade to Hae Joon to understand that. But I’m not going to lie, that’s partly because this man is quite dense and slow-witted. He may be oldest of the trio, but people need to be straightforward and blunt to make him understand their true feelings (like Dal for instance).

The separation: After spending their high school days in Haedong, characters’ lives take another turn. Episode 8 is not only the middle of the drama, but also represents an actual separation of the trio who reunites 10 years later.

Kwon Jung Hee, the return of the blaming mother: After years of being apart, San Ha’s mother comes back into his life. She’s now married and mother of a daughter who looks a lot like San Ha’s former sibling. Kwon Jung Hee wants to recreate the family dynamic that once existed before the accident. She’s also looking for a way to satisfy her daughter So Hee’s desire to have another sibling. So, she goes to Haedong and sways San Ha in the worst possible way. She practically forces him to move to Seoul with her, but San Ha holds on and refuses. His life, family and future are in Haedong. Unfortunately, there’s another tragic event that turns San Ha’s life upside down again. His mother has a car accident and loses her husband in the process. On top of that, she injures her legs and needs reeducation. While spiraling down in utter despair and blaming it on her twisted fate, Jung Hee continues to harass and torment her son. She resorts to emotional blackmail, telling him that he must be happy to see her like that and that the only thing that’s left for her is to take her life. Her bad karma struck again. Seeing how desperate his mother is, San Ha chooses to sacrifice himself. He’s a dutiful son who actually loves his mother and would like to recreate the bond they once had in the past. That’s why, he feels the need to protect her and help her get better. He moves back in and accepts his mother’s scornful remarks, her bad temperament while sick and her reproaches regarding past events. San Ha goes through hell for 10 long years, dealing with only hate and lack of care. Kwon Jung Hee has 2 kids but it’s like San Ha doesn’t exist. He’s a lackey, a butler, she orders him around and suffocates him with her resentment. Meanwhile she treats So Hee like a princess. Kim San Ha’s situation broke my heart to be honest. No matter what the mother has been through, she was despicable throughout the entire drama. San Ha didn’t deserve this kind of treatment and I really felt like he was let down by both his parents. His father is guilty for not intervening and protecting him from his mother, while Jung Hee should receive the award of worst parent. Instead of facing herself in the mirror, she turned her own kin into a punching ball. That’s just unacceptable.

Yang Dong Gu, the greedy father: Around the time San Ha’s mother comes back, Hae Joon’s father, Yang Dong Gu (Lee Jong Hyuk), also makes an appearance in his son’s life for the first time. Unsurprisingly, he’s absolutely greedy for money and only has at heart his interests. He wants his son to go to the US with him so he can receive the inheritance from the rich family he now belongs to. As the condition to get the money is to have an heir, Yang Dong Gu suddenly remembered that he has a son somewhere. Hae Joon is just an item for him to get money. Yang Dong Gu is a manipulative self-centered person. He manages to convince everyone that he would help Hae Joon play basketball professionally and openly flaunts his money to get what he wants. He knows that Yoon Jung Jae would never be able to provide for Hae Joon in the US as much as him, so he uses the family’s financial situation as leverage. And it works. Kang Hae Joon is a kindhearted teenager and gives his father a chance to redeem himself. However, you don’t change someone’s core. His father abandons him again after he gets injured and can’t play basketball again. Yang Dong Gu doesn’t deserve to be called a parent.

Kim Dae Wook, the quiet father: While Jung Hee wages war against San Ha to get him back, Dae Wook remains calm. He’s a man of few words, who found his place in the atypical family dynamic he created. Like his son, he doesn’t share his feelings. Instead, he supports San Ha in his choices, no matter what they are. From the one hand, I appreciate it when parents in dramas are helpful and encourage their kids to make their own choices. That’s a great behavior when your child is no longer a child, but an adult, capable of assuming the consequences of his actions. However, that’s not a proper behavior when your child is 10 years old. That’s when you’re supposed to shelter him from the world and help him grow protected and cared for. Kim Dae Wook is not a bad father per se. But he’s also failed San Ha numerous times in my opinion. He dedicated his life to work, then let his wife lash out onto San Ha as a bystander. His taciturn and quiet personality didn’t help. He didn’t even try to communicate openly with his son and to have a heart-to-heart conversation. It seems like Kim Dae Wook is completely clueless when it comes to parenting and dealing with emotions. He just goes with the flow and sees where it leads him. Thankfully, Yoon Jung Jae was present in Kim San Ha’s life to breathe happiness and joy into it.

Yoon Jung Jae, warmth embodied: Yoon Jung Jae is the perfect depiction of what a parent should be like. We all need one father like that in our lives. This man is literally the home of the house and the reason why this atypical family holds together. He’s a caring, loving man who raised all 3 kids with the same amount of love and affection. He doesn’t discriminate between his children and considers San Ha and Hae Joon his own sons. Though his relationships with both kids started differently, he just loves them both unconditionally. His bond with Hae Joon is stronger than anything else and is a good reminder that a parent-child relationship is nurtured with love through time. Their story is actually so heartwarming to witness. Yoon Jung Jae fell for Hae Joon as a kid. He only met him once during the blind date organized with his mother but liked him instantly. When he heard his mother was in trouble, he lent her money and went to her sister’s to fetch Hae Joon. He bathed, clothed and fed him. From Jung Jae’s perspective, food, clothes, a roof above your head are the witnesses of his selfless and disinterested love for his children. There’s no debt to be paid. That being said, Jung Jae is severely affected when he learns that both Hae Joon and San Ha are about to leave the nest: one to pursue his dream of becoming a basketball player, the other to take care of his crippled mother. He wishes he could protect them and give them the money they need to realize everything, but he’s aware of his situation and can’t do more. That’s why he lets them go hoping to see them again. Like father like daughter, Joo Won is also extremely hurt to see both her brothers disappear in the blink of an eye. What she feared the most happened: she was left alone. Despite all that, the family comes together again years later.

The reunion: From episode 8 on, our trio is finally back in Haedong. 10 years have passed, but relationships and bonds are still stronger than ever. The reunion is synonymous with new beginnings for everyone.

Overcoming the scars: In 2023/2024, Kim San Ha finally succeeds in moving away from his mother’s control by settling in Haedong as an orthopedic doctor. His childhood memories, first love, family, high school alumni and future are in this city and he knows it. It took him a while to be back, but he doesn’t intend on leaving ever again. It’s time for him to live his life the way he intends to and confront his traumas. Though he wanted to first deal with his scars before moving to Haedong again, the wait was just too painful. So, he left in a hurry, halfway through his healing journey and settled down in the seaside town. Kim San Ha was right to do so. I sincerely think that he never would’ve been able to completely recover from his trauma if he had not had Joo Won by his side. Her presence in San Ha’s life is a breath of fresh air for the young doctor. He can finally be himself with her and wish for better days. Joo Won’s intervention is also a stepping stone in San Ha’s confrontation with his mother. Indeed, Joo Won reminds Kwong Jung Hee that she entrusted her son to her. She’s now responsible for San Ha and is the only one allowed to scold him. His mother doesn’t have a word to say, especially when you consider that Jung Hee stole San Ha for 10 years. He’s done more than enough, now it’s time for his mother to stand on her own two feet. Following this endearing moment, San Ha finds the courage to have a heartfelt conversation with his mother. He wants to make her understand that enough is enough. He’s not at the origin of her misfortunes. At the end, he also confesses that he should have expressed himself more. Instead of keeping everything inside, he should’ve screamed, gotten angry, cried. In a way, San Ha’s mother continued to be mean because he never fought back and became her human punching ball. His lack of rebellion only cemented the awkward relationship. I believe it’s too easy to blame it on San Ha again because he didn’t speak up. He was a child and not completely able to find the right method to approach his mother. After that, it was too late for him to even defend himself because Jung Hee was hell-bent on her ideas. As a parent, she failed him in every possible way. I honestly never would’ve forgiven such behavior and would’ve cut her from my life for good. She brought pain and suffering to San Ha all his life. But this character is more magnanimous than I am. At the end of the drama, San Ha is finally free and can live his life the way he wants. And it starts with confessing his feelings to Joo Won.

‘False siblings’ turned lovers: Kim San Ha has been in love with Yoon Joo Won since at least high school but never dared to tell her. He kept his feelings for himself out of fear of losing her. As for Joo Won, she never considered her brothers as men and never thought she would actually have a romance with one of them. 10 years later, San Ha is still deeply in love with her. Though he thought he needed to first take care of his trauma before going to her, he couldn’t withstand the separation anymore. Turns out Joo Won was quite useful to help him get free. For once, San Ha takes the bull by the horns and opens up to Joo Won. She rejects him at first but then realizes that he makes her heart flutter and that she constantly misses him. So she gives in. It would take a little bit of convincing the other members of the family before the romance can actually bloom. If San Ha’s father accepts their relationship right away, Hae Joon is against it at first. If these 2 were to become family, it would make him an actual outsider. Despite his fear of abandonment, he eventually accepts the couple. No matter what happens, he would remain their sibling. Moreover, Joo Won’s father is also reluctant for different reasons. He’s scared that this would make the family implode if they were to break up and would have wished an outstanding life for his precious daughter. He doesn’t have anything against San Ha, but he would’ve wanted more for her. He’s however completely swayed when Joo Won and San Ha confess how much they care for one another.

Kang Seo Hyun, out of sight but not out of heart: Almost 20 years after having abandoned her son, Kang Seo Hyun finally starts showing her face. In 2023, she has a hair salon in Busan and is even visited several times by Joo Won’s father who stumbled upon her in the streets. At first, she doesn’t speak and doesn’t want to give an explanation as to why she left Hae Joon behind. She’s scared and would rather be the bad mother than to inflict pain to her son. But Jung Jae’s insistence combined with San Ha and Joo Won’s warm words regarding Hae Joon’s love for his mother persuade her to confess. Turns out she had an accident years ago and ended up in prison for some time. Though she was cleared from charges, she didn’t want Hae Joon to live as the son of an ex-convict. So, she voluntarily stayed away to protect him. She remained aware of his life, but never got involved out of fear of ruining it for him. She feels unlucky and fears that her lack of luck would taint Hae Joon. From her perspective, her son is her everything and deserves a good life. But from Hae Joon’s perspective, his mother is more important than rumors, whispers and his reputation. Once he learns the truth, he feels stupid for having resented his mother for so long when he didn’t know the reason. But he quickly forgives her. He missed her too much to let her go again.

On Dal, asserting oneself: We can add to the lot of bad parents On Dal’s (Seo Ji Hye) mother who’s obsessed with controlling her daughter’s life. At school, she used to drive Dal everywhere, would closely look at her grades and criticize if she was falling behind. As an adult, Dal’s mother is now on a quest to find the perfect husband to her daughter. This overbearing presence and controlling behavior pressures On Dal. The woman crumbles down under the weight of her mother and doesn’t even find the courage to fight back. In 2023, she has become a lawyer as per her wishes. However, she has defied her mother for the first time by settling in Haedong instead of Seoul. Her mother is adamant that she should move to Seoul, but On Dal refuses. She needs to be as far away from her mother as possible in order to breathe. I really loved On Dal to be honest. She’s so sweet and kind, always in the sideline and rooting for her friends. Her relationship with her mother is not a walk in the park. She suffocates, but still finds the courage within herself to put a stop to this abuse. She may not be the bravest or chattiest, but On Dal is wise and has her own form of courage. To free herself from her mother, she didn’t ask for anyone’s help. She didn’t rely on others to fight for her. Instead, she took the decision to settle down in Haedong and defies her parent a second time by dating Hae Joon. Her courage, wisdom, kindness, shyness and clever advice make this character even more appreciable. She’s by far my favorite of the lot. Her relationship with Hae Joon is so sweet. She’s had a crush on him since high school but never dared to confess. She does it 10 years later and he finally responds. The young lawyer has been a constant presence in Hae Joon’s life since his return and she’s been giving him precious advice on how to approach his relationships with his parents. He found comfort and support in her, finding himself missing her at times. She seeped into his heart little by little.

Themes tackled: Now that we’ve explored characters’ lives and relationships, let’s take a look at the broader themes tackled in the drama.

The mothers, the ‘unlucky‘ villains: In the drama, mothers appear as the ‘bad guys’ compared to the fathers – which is pretty novel for dramas. Jung Hee torments San Ha, Seo Hyun abandoned Hae Joon and Dal’s mother suffocates her. However, there are some dissimilarities in their background that can allow us to categorize them into two teams. The mothers who are villains for their child’s good – Hae Joon’s and Dal’s mothers fit into that category. And the category of selfish individual where San Ha’s mother belongs. Kwon Jung Hee feels that her son brings her misfortune and that she’s very unlucky in life (she lost a child and a husband). Everything is centered around her. She’s selfish and only thinks about herself and her pain. So, she blames her son to unload her burden. She projects her bad feelings onto San Ha who receives them silently. Like Jung Hee, Hae Joon’s mother also considers herself unlucky and pushes Hae Joon away. But the reason she abandons him is out of love. She wants to protect him. On Dal’s mother is at the fringe between both mothers. She’s never had the life she wanted and thus wants her daughter to get everything she lacked. She wants the best for her child, but it has turned into an obsession that hurts On Dal. By the end of the drama, all three mothers come around and see their faults. They reconnect with their children following a heartfelt conversation in which each character expresses his inner feelings. These serve as eye openers to the mothers who mellow and soften up.

The fathers, unconditional love and support: Yoon Jung Jae and Kim Dae Wook who constitute the recreated family have very different parenting style but they perfectly fit into the family dynamics. Most of the time, you have the bad cop and the good cop; when one is against something, the other is for. They are like Daddy and Mommy bear offering an ear to listen, good advice, but above all warmth. I think both men were actually lucky to find each other at the right moment. They stood united together as parents, but also as friends. When one was worried over the restaurant, money, tuition fees, bills or anything, they would share a drink (of soju or beer) and unload their stress. Jung Jae and Dae Wook became friends and brothers. Their bromance was also super nice to see.

What makes a family? The answer to this question seems quite obvious after watching the drama. And it’s definitely not blood that makes a family. It’s the relationships that you create with others and your decision to become a family that makes a family one. This statement is clearly visible when you look at Hae Joon and Joo Won’s father. Jung Jae keeps on repeating that Hae Joon is his son. Hae Joon may not be his blood, but he’s his son. Period. I really love this message because I am also a true believer that blood is just a means to create relationships. But that’s not what makes relationships. These have to be cared for, nurtured, and polished to really exist. They don’t rely on DNA but rather on trust and affection. Feelings can be stronger than genes. Proof is that those who actually share your blood can push you down. Take San Ha’s mother and Hae Joon’s father for example. They may share the same blood, but they only brought pain to their children. They don’t consider them as their own, but as means to get what they want. That’s not being a parent. On the contrary, Joo Won’s father understands what a family is built on. Love. And that’s all he has to give. Unconditionally. That’s what constitutes a true family.

The ending: At the end of the drama, Joo Won’s father marries Hae Joon’s mother. He had fallen for her decades ago when he met her for the first time. This marriage is a good way for Hae Joon to finally feel like he’s part of the family. He legally becomes Jung Jae’s son. On a more personal note, Hae Joon is now dating On Dal and has renewed his passion for basketball by becoming a coach. San Ha and Joo Won are finally together. After his conversation with his mother, he’s managed to soften things up with her. In the meantime, Jung Hee has left for the UK with her daughter. The distance allows the mother and son to have a more cordial relationship and start working on a saner bond. San Ha’s father is opening up as well by trying out new experiences and looking for a hobby he likes. All in all, there’s no better ending that the one we had.